RSV for Three: A Rocky Start

 We live in East Texas, which means that it is almost chronically summer time here. I haven't had to abandon my Nike shorts for more than a total of about two weeks this year. On the one hand, it stinks because I have several sweaters left over from my Kansas days just crying out to be used, but on the other hand, it rocks because shorts, right?

The other thing about the fluctuating weather means that we get lulled into a false sense of security. Can't get a cold unless it's cold out, right? Well apparently, no. RSV season came into play here during a super chilly week that we had in January.

Aaaand of course Los Bubs got it. I'm not entirely sure why or how. My grandma was visiting that week and she was feeling under the weather. The Tuesday before we got sick, we had gone into the doctor's office for our nine month check up. That Monday we had gone for a run and the weather was chilly (although we had thick blankets and beanies on the boys). Who knows? We could have picked it up any number of ways in any number of places, but the fact remains that we got it and we got it hard, y'all. That's the preemie struggle.

The morning of January 13th. Isn't brotherly love just the best ever? 

Bennett started to show symptoms on Friday January 13th. I noticed that he had kind of a wet cough, but he seemed fine otherwise, so I didn't really think too much of it. My mother in law and her husband had come over for dinner. She's a nurse and said it didn't sound like anything too bad. By Saturday morning, his cough was more frequent and it was sounding really gunky. He started vomiting a little bit after eating. I spent the day really worried about it. I tried to manage the symptoms at home. I used our Nose Frida like it was going out of style. I ran our humidifier. I bought natural cough syrup. I took their temps and gave Tylenol accordingly.

That night when the Hubs came home from work, I told him that I was really worried. I thought we should go to the ER. I called the nurse hotline, and after describing what was going on and letting her listen to his breathing over the phone, the nurse told us to get to the ER ASAP.

After four grueling hours there, we were sent home with albuterol breathing treatments. That night Bennett had tested negative for RSV. But I still felt so uneasy.

My mom and I spent the better part of Sunday trying to keep him strong. He didn't want to nurse, which is so unusual for Bennett, my clingiest twin. Nursing is like a religion to him. Seriously, the kid is all about it. We gave him a warm bath. We gave him his breathing treatments. He was miserable. We rubbed his little feet and chest with Baby Vick's and kept him warm and cozy, but his cough just got worse. I could feel his wheezing when I touched his chest. I should have taken him back to the hospital then, but I didn't want to risk exposing him to more.

By Monday morning, we had to take him to the doctor again. His oxygen levels were dipping to 93 and we were told to go to the hospital to be admitted. My mom was with me, the Hubs was home with Beau, and my mother in law was on the road from Little Rock back to Tyler.

Both the grandmothers took the week off work, just in case, and thank goodness.

Bennett snuggling with his Nonna

We spent multiple days in the hospital on oxygen. Poor Bennett was hit the hardest. He started wheezing on January 13th and we were admitted to to hospital to get him on oxygen the 16th. It got so bad for him that he contracted bacterial pneumonia. It was so hard and terrible sitting in that hospital room with him all day long watching him struggle. Poor sweetie couldn't breathe or eat. He threw up anytime he did manage to get anything in his tummy. His IV was just the worst and he hated it so much.

Bennett's little IV hand 

Our sweet little Beau didn't fall to the virus until the 20th. He and I got the virus the same day. He was just so miserable once they put him on oxygen. It was so difficult to my big strong boy confined to a metal crib with wires all over him again. Luckily it ran its course with Beau a little more quickly, but it was still just such an awful experience for us and for him.

However, he did really like all of the pretty nurses coming in to check on him every hour. My little flirt would struggle with all his strength to sit up when they would come in so that he could interact with them.

Beau being comforted by his Mimi

Since we had twins, we were given a room that was really large, but weirdly, that meant that our window was really small, and we're a family who is super big on natural light and getting our vitamin D via sunshine. We felt so cooped up.

The boys had just learned to roll around the living room quickly to get where they want to go, and with all the wires and tubes they were hooked up to, those days were behind them. I could just see them looking at me wondering why they were going through this and why I wasn't making it better. We had to limit the toys that they could play with and the poor dears had to do with just watching Baby Einstein all day. Not that fun for them, and let me tell you, it wasn't that fun for me either.

Bennett watching TV in bed

We had originally brought the Rock n Plays with us to help the boys sleep at night, and it worked great for the first few nights. We would keep the rockers on through the night to soothe them and the inclined position helped them breathe a little better. But eventually we had to transition them back out them. We could tell that the boys missed each other. At home, they share a crib, and I wondered if they might not do better on their breathing if we got them back together. They did start to do better at night when they slept together, and I could tell that it was

just so comforting to them!

Eventually we started looking and feeling better and discharge was starting to feel like a reality. The boys were taken off oxygen support. They thought we would go home sooner than we did, but at night the boys' oxygen levels would dip below 89, and we knew that we were bound for another long day. Brian and I were exhausted from sharing a single hospital bed at night, but we did start and finish Stranger Things on Netflix while we were there. Silver lining. 

Another silver lining was that the hospital had these nice absorbent pads that we could lay Bennett on so he could air out his gnarly rash that came from all the diarrhea that his pneumonia antibiotics gave him. He liked the fresh air on his booty and the privilege of being allowed to watch TV with the grownups. 

Eventually, they let us go home on January 24th, and the boys have done amazing. Bennett has been so ridiculously smiley. He has a new lease on life.  Beau has been determined to move as much as possible since we got home. He gets into EVERYTHING.  Granted, the awesome sleep schedule that I had spent the better part of 2016 creating completely flew out the window. The poor boys are still totally out of whack, and we still aren't back to our normal routine, but I'm just beyond thankful that we're done with RSV.  Home at last!

Picture Perfect Twins: Pobody's Nerfect

(Any ads within this post are Amazon Affiliate links. Please refer to my Disclosure page for more information!)

It's the last Sunday before Christmas and I had hoped that I would have blogged a lot more this month, but alas, the twin mom reality. B&B are doing some funny things with their sleeping patterns which means that my husband and I are so tired that we're just doing funny things period.

I've been baking cookies to mail out to friends and family today, and my dad is over helping out with the boys. Because of him, I'm dealing with having a lot more time on my hands than I'm typically used to while my cookies bake. So I've actually got time to blog a little!

I originally had goals of doing a Christmas picture every single day of December until Christmas, but oh my goodness, that was a lofty goal. Are you sensing a pattern with me and goals yet?

The boys weren't into it most days, and since I had an ear infection in each ear, neither was I. We have managed to get a few, and I've gotten some decent practice with my DSLR. I'm still working on getting the right focus, but it's so hard! I want sharp pictures, but I also have two quick little bugs as my subjects! So what in the world am I supposed to do with my shutter speed? I'm open to recommendations! And it's almost impossible to keep them in the same spot anymore. Heaven knows what I'm going to do when they start crawling.

I put up a little bit of wrapping paper on a wall in front of some good windows for natural light and I laid down some fur fabric I picked up at Joanne's with a coupon. I laid it over my old Snoogle pillow (AKA the most incredible invention ever) to help my new sitters stay upright and we had ourselves a pretty cute little Christmas set up!

Some days went a little better than other days. I made a big mistake when I thought it'd be cute to put them in little outfits with reindeer antlers on them. B&B were absolutely determined to grab each others' antlers.

Honestly, I love taking pictures of them, but I think that the three of us just end up really frustrated with each other after about eight minutes. It's the most exhausting thing. They're frustrated with me because I keep  hiding behind a black thing and making weird noises, and I get frustrated with them because they doing respond to any of my hilarious nosies and they refuse to look my camera in the eye. At the end of every photo session I feel like we just all sit around judging each other and we usually have to do a little tandem nursing just to pep back up. It's fun, but gosh, taxing. But also so worth it. I get this crazy warm feeling when I look back at their pictures. Even the "bad" ones. I don't delete any! And I usually spend nap time gushing over the pictures instead of doing chores like I should. 

I know for a fact that I'm being gifted a new lens for my camera for Christmas, and I'm so looking forward to using it. I think that I've just about talked the giver into letting me have it early! They're all about looking at pictures of B&B too, so I didn't exactly have to try to hard when making my arguments. 

My Ongoing Flirtation with Direct Sales

Warning: Serious Word Vomit Ahead.

Indecision is my worst quality....scratch that, my temper is my worst quality. But my indecision is a rough one too. Like seriously. I am a humongous second-guesser, self-doubter, indecisive person.

So maybe my worst quality is my self doubt?

Either way, it's rough to work around!

As a new stay-at-home mom, I'm having a hard time adjusting to not having my own income to bring in. It's like really hard to want all these things that are material and non-material and feel guilty about getting them! I've just always been used to having my own money! I got my first job when I was 15 because I hated asking my parents for money!

And my husband is awesome. There are very few purchases that I have to run by him. He really is "what's mine is yours" and that is awesome. But I still hate that I'm not contributing financially. I feel like I'm just taking. Which obviously, I'm not. If I didn't stay home, the boys would have to go to daycare and we'd just have to pay that and the quality of care just can't compare to what I give them (shrug).

I've been trying to find a way to channel what skills I have into a way to make money. Crafts? Writing? Watching TV? What skills do I have? The answer is that I have no skills that are actually profitable, apparently.

I was recently approached by a woman who does EXTREMELY well in direct marketing. We all know someone who does those programs. Well, I've always been a huge skeptic of them and I've never really thought of pursuing those. But this woman is EXTREMELY good at her job and she totally roped me in, so here I am, the indecisive little skeptic, waiting on my starter kit to arrive and I'm still just like, wtf man? What just happened to me?

I've already called to try and cancel, but it apparently "just shipped." Right.

Maybe a form of divine intervention telling me to go for it? Or maybe just another sneaky way for this company to keep me attached?

I'm likely going to be sending the kit right back for a small loss of money and small piece of my dignity. I was all "inhale confidence, and exhale doubt" last night and I announced it on Facebook like I wasn't mildly ashamed, but now here I am being true to myself and crawling back into the introverted, judgmental hole from whence I came.

Honestly, I would kill to be able to do what this woman does. She reaches out to people and is so confidently herself. She's a master networker and she has turned it into a super lucrative way of life for herself and her family. What wouldn't I do to have that kind of dynamic personality! But I don't. I am who I am, and maybe there's confidence in admitting that? Or maybe I'm just a little coward.

It's not that I don't think that these direct marketing businesses can't work...I just don't think they can work for me. I just don't feel that I have the confidence that it takes to put myself out there for products that I'm not 100% sure I can get behind. I don't know how I feel about asking my friends and family to buy these things! It's not something to be ashamed of, but it's so wildly out of my comfort zone. I mean, I was even bad at selling candles for school fundraisers back in grade school.

And while I'm sitting here writing this, I keep seeing all of these inspirational messages, and I'm like inspired, but also shamed (?). Like, gosh, why don't I have what it takes?! Should I have what it takes? Will I ever have what it takes to make myself into something? Am I just lazy and using shyness for an excuse? Now I'm listening to a video of a woman telling me that the secret to success is doing things that other people don't want to do and she's literally talking about people backpedaling on their decision to not take the risk to do this company! So now where does that leave me? God, is that you speaking? Or do I just need to get offline? (It's nap time, and I should be working out or doing laundry, but here I am.)

Basically I'm just sitting here wrangling with my issues. I don't want to disappoint this awesome and dynamic woman. I want to impress her and I want what she has, but gosh where are the little businesses for the nice, introverted women like me? The kind who want to quietly shine and succeed and help their families? They don't exist.

Is it just enough for me to be a mom right now? Can I just come to terms with who I am and what I have and be happy with that?

I don't think it's that I'm a loser person, maybe this just isn't my game.

I think that these kinds of businesses are trees, and I'm a fish. It's silly for me to try to climb.

Or maybe I should let go of being cozy and get out of my comfort zone?

Agh.

Now I'm just sitting here feeling like a major sucker.

Or like this lady in the inspirational video I'm playing is telling me, I'm a cubic zirconia who wishes she was a diamond. She is saying I need to get determined and be willing to be turned down A LOT.

Even the thought makes my skin crawl and sweat.

The fact is that these organizations aren't really for everyone. They aren't. They aren't supposed to be. I'm just not sure that these are for me. I'm not sure that I'm emotionally prepared to jump out there like this. I guess we'll see what I do when my kit arrives. In the meantime, I'm going to go back to losing myself in an episode of The Good Wife on Prime while I fold all our laundry.

Diarrhea Blowout Survival

(This post contains affiliate links for products mentioned!)

It's November in the South and I'm actually pretty sure that global warming is a thing because it's still unseasonably hot here. I'm so ready for sweater weather, but it apparently isn't ready for me. And I guess I should be happy that sweater weather isn't here yet, because sweater weather also means cold and flu season, and I don't think that I could handle one of that on top of everything else right now!

Life with the boys has gotten hectic again because we are dealing with our third, yes THIRD, big stomach bug. Which just means we're going through double the diapers and Lysoling everything like crazy. My preemies just can't catch a break! I'm going crazy trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. We don't wear shoes in the house, I try to keep everything totally sanitized and sterilized and bleachized and whatever else. I'm a total germ freak, and yet the boys keep getting sick! The doctor says that all babies get these germs and that it's not anything that I am or am not doing, but that my little guys just don't have the immune system that term babies have. We'll be seeing a GI specialist soon to see if there might not be anything else going on.

Poor Beau has been running a fever and has had bloody stool. Seriously, I think my little mama heart might just shatter. I'm hurting really bad for my boy. While we did take him to the doctor for a stool culture, I don't want to have to resort to antibiotics again, because they really do a lot more harm that good in the long run. Bennett had started to get sick first, but we've been able to keep his little tummy in check by using Mommy's Bliss probiotic drops. It was a lot easier to use than the Culturelle powders since the boys have totally forgotten how to use bottles since they were switched to EBF last month. So these drops are great. I just wish that they had a dropper top on the bottle instead of a separate dropper.

Either way, they have totally kept Bennett in the clear. He had started to have some diarrhea and I started him on those drops and it cleared up in just a few days. I think it gave his little immune system the boost he needed. I'm not sure what Beau picked up. I've been giving it to him, and he's fighting it off, but the poor guy is fighting  hard. He must have picked up something a little worse. We're waiting on the culture to come back on Beau, but until then a lot of rest and a lot of mommy time is what's doing the trick! Mommy life is so sexy and glamorous, guys.

Anyways, here are my top tips for surviving those dreaded baby blowouts:

• The main trick to surviving baby blowouts is PREPARATION. 
• You need diapers in a variety of sizes. We usually go a size up when we don't have blowout blockers. 
• WHITE onesies are the best for these days. It might seem counterintuitive, but you'll be able to spot the blowout right away, and you can bleach these in the wash without worrying about discoloration. They might stain, but a day out in direct sunlight will bleach it right back to white. I swear by sun-bleaching. 
• Get the best diaper rash cream available. My recommendation is Triple Paste Ointment always. It's be best stuff. Start using it before you see a rash. Make sure you are letting that cute little tush air dry before strapping on the diaper. 
• Start your little guy on a probiotic ASAP. It'll help clear the diarrhea more quickly. 
• Switch to organic wipes, or even just wet wash cloths. You'll be wiping that skin a lot, and it's only going to get more tender. 
• When using bleach to sanitize, know that splashless and color safe bleach are not considered effective. Only the traditional stuff will do the trick. Don't worry too much about discoloration either, I've washed our Rock n Play covers and our carseat pads multiple times and they haven't ever faded or stained. That fabric is incredible. 
• For fabrics that I don't want to wash with bleach, but don't want to toss in the wash with all that bacteria, I use Lysol Max spray. It's made to be used on fabrics. The regular kind works too. 
• Remove onesies over the feet instead of the head. Most of these are made so that you can remove them that way. 

God speed, mamas! 

The Twins' First Halloween

Growing up, I had an awesome mom. If I had one complaint, it would be that Halloween wasn't really a big deal to her. Now as a grown up (or as grown ups would say "an adult"), I see it as more of the pre-party to Christmas season...like if the holidays were a dinner party, Halloween would be drinks. 

A super fun part of the party, but not the main event. Thanksgiving is totally appetizers (whetting your appetite for the main event) and Christmas is dinner AND desserts. New Years is the after dinner limoncello that you DID NOT need, but drank, semi-regret and eventually learn to pass up as you get older. 

Anyways, as a kid Halloween was its own event and I want it to be that way for my boys. I want to start having a lot of traditions that they can look forward to. Carving pumpkins, baking treats, making popcorn balls, and picking out their costumes and me making them. 

Well, since my kiddos were just tiny babies this year, I couldn't really do all of those with them. I mean, obviously I baked treats...and ate them all, but you know what I mean. The babes can't really carve pumpkins with me. But they CAN totally rock an adorable Made with Love by Mommy costume, which they totally did. 

It was my first DIY costume literally EVER, and I think it turned out so great! What do you think? 

For less than $10 at Hobby Lobby I was able to put this together. 

My only materials were felt, yarn, a yarn needle, and my trusty hot glue gun. 

I sewed the edged together by hand with a basic blanket stitch. I really liked the way that that stitch made for a real DIY vibe. It popped in a really cute way! 

All in all, it was a perfect first Halloween costume for my twins. They only wore it for this picture. It was too ridiculously hot in Arkansas to leave them in a felt outfit all day, and my Bacon packed on a few pounds since I originally measured and cut his costume (lesson learned). The hubs had to take a running start to jump in and surprise the boys to get them to smile. But it was so worth it just for this little iPhone picture. (My guys super weird out in front of my Canon.) So happy that I was able to get this tradition started at the very beginning. 

What are your Halloween traditions, or favorite DIY baby costumes?

(affiliate links to products mentioned and related)

Top Five on Five: October 2016

This is the first of my Top Five on Five series that I want to begin. It'll be a list of whatever Top Five things I'm digging shared on the fifth of every month. I'm going to start with my favorite baby products that help me when I'm mommin' out.  

I would first like to begin by saying that I don't recommend products unless I am 100% in love with them for a lengthy period of time. I'm a firm believer in doing research and I'm a textbook over-thinker. It usually takes me weeks and months to decide on buying anything, which often means that I miss out on a lot of seasonal trends. So just know that I'm a fairly trustworthy and extremely well intentioned source. This is a list of products that I use daily with my twins that often save my sanity. They're also products that I've noticed aren't really mainstream (except #2), but that I think should be more widely used! 

Let me know in the comments what you think! 

Now without further ado....my list (with Amazon affiliate links): 

1. The Shnuggle Bath

Affiliate Link to shop: SHNUGGLE Bath, White with Grey Backrest

This product is at the top of my list because it is literally the single most amazing product that I bought for my babies. If you've registered for another bathtub somewhere else, ditch it now and spring for this one. For only 35 bucks, this tub can't be beat on any level.

I spent a lot of time looking for the perfect baby tub; I didn't want anything too bulky (because hello, you have to store this stuff), I didn't want anything is any crazy bright colors (bath time should be soothing!), and I didn't want anything that would make bathing more difficult than it already is (we only have two hands, mamas).

Aren't they cute?

The Shnuggle tub met all of my needs: It fits in the kitchen sink or on the bathroom counter. It has this handy "bum bump" inside that keeps even the tiniest of newborns from slipping down, and the fact that it is an upright tub is great for babies who are dealing with reflux. With the upright backrest and the bum bump, I have two free hands to focus on getting my little guys cleaned up. I felt totally confident giving them baths without any help even when they were teeny tiny little preemies home fresh from the NICU. I've even used this tub dry to keep one twin sitting up when I've been busy feeding the other; It's perfect for when your kiddo can't sit up on his own.

2. The Rock 'n Play Sleeper

Affiliate Link to Shop: Fisher-Price Newborn Auto Rock 'n Play Sleeper, Aqua Stone Fashion 

I have no doubt that everyone expecting has heard of this one, but I had to include it anyways because I use it every day...and it saves my life.

We use ours as our primary sleeper and we have since day one home from the NICU. I love it because it's inclined (again, so good for those reflux babies!) and because baby can't roll over. It's also really compact and we can easily fit two in our bedroom at the bedside. They fold up really easily and make for a really simple travel system.  My boys love the rocking feature and it really makes nap time a lot easier for me. We're still in ours at 16 and 17 pounds at six months. I'm not sure how I'll make the transition out of these!

Now, for full disclosure, there are some conflicting opinions out there about these, and they might not be totally unfounded. One of my twins had started to really favor one side of his head and was getting a bit of a flat spot and a stiff neck, and both boys like to slouch all the way down to sleep in a cozy little U-shape if we don't buckle them in. We've been able to avoid (and fix) any damage with plenty of tummy time and always buckling them in.

3. Triple Paste Medicated Ointment

Link to Shop: Triple Paste Medicated Ointment for Diaper Rash, 16-Ounce

My aunt gifted me two big jars of this stuff at my baby shower, and she made it sound like liquid gold. And you know what? IT STINKING IS. It goes on creamy and absorbs right into the skin instead of leaving a chalky residue. Don't even bother messing around with Desitin or Dr. Smiths or any of those other jokers.

I've included a link to the big 16 oz jar: Go ahead and get it, because it will probably get you all the way to your diapering finish line. A little bit goes a long way. We had a terrible nasty rash on one of the twins in the NICU. I'm talking a cracked, bleeding little butt that brought me to tears just looking at it kind of rash. We had to air out for a few days and had prescription rash cream before it finally started to heal. I wish that I had brought this holy grail diaper cream into the NICU and maybe he wouldn't have gotten the rash to begin with. This stuff even got us through THREE weeks of raging diarrhea without any rash.

We use it nightly after bath time right before bed to butter up the boys' biscuits as a preventative measure. We've been using our jar for four months on both boys and we still haven't even used half of it.

4. Badger Sleep Balm 

 Affiliate Link to Shop: Badger Sleep Balm 2 oz Tin - Lavender and Bergamot

My mom gifted me her tin of Badger Sleep Balm when I was pregnant and having trouble falling asleep. It wasn't long before my husband and I were both slathering our noses, chests, and temples with this stuff before bed. The smell of lavender and bergamot is sooooo relaxing. 

We're a Badger Balm family now. We used it on the boys when we were establishing a sleep schedule, and I still use it most nights and on days when they're fighting off a nap. It's the perfect product for those of us who want to be all about essential oils, but just don't know where to start, and it's a lot easier to tote around and use than a diffuser. I rub a little bit on the boys' chests because the warmth helps get the aroma up to them, and I put the tiniest little dab on the very tip of their noses. 

It helped us get the boys to sleep through the night really early on.  I don't guarantee that this will work on every baby, because some of y'all just make some sleepless babies! 

This is from a really awesome and ethical company, I recommend starting with this product and then trying out everything else that they have. It's all great stuff, especially for those of us who desperately want to be crunchy, but just don't know where to start.

5. Bug Netting For your Stroller

Affiliate Link to Shop: Graco Insect Bug Netting For Twin/Tandem Strollers

I live in East Texas and my babies were born in the spring, so bugs were a Texas-sized concern. I didn't want to slather my boys down in insect repellant, but taking walks was important to me, and this netting has been the most amazing thing and I'm just shocked that I don't see more people with it!

Obviously it keeps out the bugs, and that's great. But it had an unintended additional benefit:It also keeps out the PEOPLE.

I have a couple of germ covers for our carseats. They're the kind that you just toss over, which is great, but people have the tendency to just help themselves and lift them up to peek at the babies inside. I don't blame them. One baby is hard to resist, the idea of identical twins is just too much for most people, and mine are extra cute (she said with no bias).

The bug netting won't keep out airborne germs, but during the summer thats not as big of an issue. The boys get to look out at the world, they get to catch some fresh air, and the netting lets people see the babies, but creates an convenient barrier so they can't TOUCH the babies. I love it, the boys love it, and the fans love it....the bugs, however, hate it. It's also nice to throw over the playpen for hanging out outside as a family.

Honorable Mention: Bose Soundlink Color Bluetooth Speaker

Affiliate Link to Shop:Bose SoundLink Color Bluetooth Speaker (White)

Since this is a list of products that I use every single day, I couldn't leave this one off. I know that it's not just for baby, which is also what makes it so great! Don't bother wasting  your money on white noise machines. Buy this little guy and download a few free white noise apps onto your phone. My boys are big fans of "Crackling Fire" and "Oregon Coastal Showers," but not so much fans of "Rain on a Japanese Temple," but whatever.

I put it on every single day for nap time. It helps to drown out whatever noise I might be making elsewhere and they know that when that sound comes on, it's sleep time. They can't fight it! The power of routine is too strong!

It's also great for playtime because I use it to blast my Brooklyn Duo station for the boys. The classical sound is good for them, and the current hits are good for me. Everyone wins. This is a great speaker for the whole family.

HEADS UP: Make sure that your speaker is charged up because it has an annoying habit of announcing "Battery Low Please Charge Now" which totally wakes up the kids. Serious eye roll, but still a good little speaker to have.

Depending on God: The Most Important Part of My Birth Story

This might seem like such a rambling and scattered post, but I just have to share.

Today has been a little rough. The boys picked up an infection, and when something like  that happens, I sit and blame myself for everything. I usually start with blaming myself for not being careful enough and almost always end up back at blaming myself for them being born so early, which is why thier little immune systems just aren't the best. Annnnd then I get mopey and start feeling sorry for myself and thinking about our time in the NICU. Then I usually end up crying like a hormonal lunatic over my boys, stroking thier cheeks, and telling them how beautiful they are. Then I usually perk up a little and then I start crying again because I'm just so happy. I'm a mess these days, guys. But it got me thinking about the really good part of my journey over the last few months.

Recently at church, we had a guest speaker give the sermon. He spoke about discipleship and sharing your story and sharing how God has been there for you. (At least that's the part I heard. The boys started crying then and I wasn't able to hang around for much more. Sigh.)

So here is a little fragment of my story:

I've shared my birth story, and it was one of the most frightening and unsettling times of my life, I won't deny that. Especially since I had completely planned how my twins would come into this world:

I was definitely supposed make it to 36 weeks AT LEAST. All of the twin moms that I had found on Pintrest had made it until then, so duh.

During labor, my water would break on its own. I would be home for that part, obviously.

My bag would be perfectly Pinterestingly packed; I'd have a beautiful gown (Etsy), warm, but adorable, socks, the nice maxi pads, lip balm, "The Essentials" in my makeup bag (because I had to look good right? For all those pictures I was going to have professionally taken after), and perfect little outfits for B&B.

Brian would drive me. I'd have aromatherapy to keep me calm and warm compresses to help prevent the need for an episiotomy (a doula on Pinterest). I'd put on my playlist. I'd use my stability ball like the whole time and Brian would rub my shoulders as I breathed. I was going to give birth in a squatting position.

Unmedicated, of course, just like my mom had done.

It would probably only take a few hours just like all the women in my family. I had watched tons of twin birth videos on YouTube, so there was no reason mine couldn't go just like that. Skin to skin was critical and completely going to happen so that neither boy would grow up to be Ted Bundy.

I had a plan. It was smooth and easy and I was confident about it.

God knew that things weren't going to go according to my plan.

For those who have read, my world came crashing down in a flash. All my plans flew out the window and I was left in a pretty dark place.

I realized years ago after losing my brother that God isn't a magical genie here to grant our every wish. He isn't some kind of Santa figure who bestows gifts on good boys and girls. God is GOOD, but that doesn't always mean that we get what we want. BUT from God we get everything that we NEED. After my brother died, God gave me strength. He continues to do that for me every day.

I don't think that it's any coincidence that on my first full day home from this hospital this was the passage in my copy of Jesus Calling:

Truly, this set the entire tone for our stay in the NICU. It was a journey that kept me close to God by making me so dependent on him that he was my only hope and comfort.

What I wanted was a perfect birth and a joyful occasion. What I NEEDED was a reminder of my dependence on God and his grace. I needed a reason to draw closer. An opportunity to petition for peace daily.

I have a good relationship with Jesus. I love him and I pray often. I also have a good life. I've experienced trauma and loss. More than some, but far less than others. But although I have significantly more good than bad in my life, my times of trauma and loss have proven to be the most beneficial to my relationship with Christ.

My boys spent 49 days in the NICU. Some days were absolutely gut wrenching, other days were just long. Every day I needed peace, and every day I prayed for strength, and every day God gave me enough to make it through that day. He held me close. He sustained me. He made me dependent on him and through that helped me to grow my faith.

I'll never be the same after watching my tiny, fragile sons overcome what they did. How could I ever doubt God's love for me or his ability to grant me peace in my times of need? On days when I felt I could take no more, God would give the boys a boost. On days when I felt alone, God surrounded me with his love and presence. On days when my boys made strides, God allowed me to witness his miracles up close.

God is a HUGE part of my story. He is all the good that there is. God has always been there to hold me up.

Things in life have not ever really gone the way that I've hoped, imagined, or planned. Whose life does go that way? My life in no way reflects my perfect Pintrest boards. But that's because we live in an imperfect world, and I'm an imperfect person. Despite my sins and imperfections, I am forgiven and God has allowed so many blessings to come my way. The greatest of these being my two boys.

I guess I still hate the way that my boys came into this world. I still cry sometimes when I think about it and I still feel a little robbed sometimes because I had so many other plans for them, but I love the dependence on God that I gained from it. It might seem like an odd thing to say, but it really has made such a difference in my life. I would hate for anyone to read my birth story and think that it was all bad. I mean, it was, but I wasn't alone and it wasn't for nothing. I have to find the good, and I'm able to find it in God.

I still like my original plan waaaay better than the way things panned out, but I wouldn't have gained all that I did from that route. And God sees how everything will turn out in the end, and I have to trust that no matter what.

Positives of our stay in the NICU:

- I gained an even greater dependence on God.
- I learned things I wouldn't have learned otherwise.
- I met some amazing people with incredible hearts for babies.
- I now have great compassion and understanding for preemie families! We ARE a preemie family!
- We have an unrivaled appreciation for late night feedings, changings, etc.. We take NOTHING for granted!
- My boys are happy and healthy and HOME!

Essentially I guess that all I hope is that maybe someone reading this might one day be able to see the benefit of  hard times. There are so many awful things that happen in this world, but none of those things indicate the absence of God. He is always there to provide what is needed. I'm so grateful for the reminder of my dependence and for the opportunity to grow in my faith.
It's the most important part of my story.

Birth Story 2

Read Part 1

Tuesday, April 12, 2016
31w4d

1:00 PM

Everyone seemed really optimistic about keeping me pregnant. I was given steroid shots to help speed lung development for the boys. I would be given more shots the next day, they said.

I wasn't even really too worried. I was more upset that I would be spending so much time in a room without a window, and I was pretty concerned about  how I was going to take a shower. I was even excited about getting something to eat, which was really odd for me because I had had one of those pregnancies where the nausea and vomiting never went away, and it had been days since I had even wanted any food at all.

They had me all strapped up to monitors to track my contractions and to monitor the babies' heartbeats. I didn't even feel my contractions. It just felt like my normal back pain that I had been having. I wasn't too worried. A nurse got me a menu and I ordered a pizza and a chocolate chip cookie. The pizza was delicious and the chocolate chip cookie was PURE comfort food. So good.

I would eat one of those everyday in the weeks to follow. The pizza never tasted good to me again. I'm not really sure why I thought it was so amazing that day. I guess I hadn't really had a good meal since before I was pregnant.

The ultrasound tech wheeled all of his stuff in and he took pictures of the babies while I ate. We talked with him and joked with him. He was a funny guy. Our boys were doing funny things. They were sitting in such a position that Baby A was being tea-bagged by Baby B.

We found out then that it was my sweet Baby A who had broken his water (perhaps tired of being tea-bagged by little brother?). My heart was with him. He failed his physiological tests, but only by a bit. He seemed to be holding strong. My husband and I prayed for him and for Baby B.

5:00 PM

My contractions had not subsided on their own. The nurse explained that they would be giving me magnesium sulfate. It was going to stop the contractions.

She explained that I wouldn't be able to eat or drink anything until my contractions stopped. She said that the magnesium would help the boys' brains and that it would make me feel a little like I had a bad case of the flu. On her advice I downed a small glass of water, but nothing could have prepared me for what a "bad case of the flu" would feel like.

7:00 PM

I had my husband cranking down the AC to below 60. I was a literal hot mess. The magnesium made me SO hot. My mouth felt dryer than cotton. My lips were instantly cracked and everything was awful.

I actually have a lot of memories to work through from this time because I hallucinated A LOT. Now when I look back I have to sift through everything that I think happened and determine what actually happened.

I remember begging the nurses for water. One was sympathetic enough to give me half a cup of ice chips. I would have downed them all at once if Brian hadn't been there to parcel them out for me. I tried to hold the water in my dry mouth as long as possible, but my throat begged to be quenched as well. I would swallow with both relief and regret.

Through the pain of my contractions, I remember arching my back as much as I could and desperately wishing I could stand and bend over to take the pressure off of my back a little. I had practiced positions and methods to help this in birth class, and I couldn't use a single one. I just had to lay there. Instead of subsiding, my contractions were getting stronger and closer. They gave me more magnesium.

10:00 PM

They gave me some Ambien to give me some rest. I remember Brian putting on Jane the Virgin for me, and I remember him asking for extra blankets because our room hovering just above 50 degrees.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016
31w5d

2:00 AM

The Ambien wore off. I was awake and scared. Brian was asleep in the too-small recliner next to my bed. I asked for water. They told me no. They said my contractions were still regular and strong. They gave me more magnesium. I laid there crying. Just me and my two boys.

4:00 AM

Brian woke up. He was trying to talk me through my contractions. He kept his eyes on the machine and would watch as they would peak. He says that sometimes he told me they were small when they were big. I remember screaming for all of them. I asked if I could stand. They told me no.

Over the next few hours I remember very little of anything. I think my pastor came to pray with and for me, but that might have happened the day before or just in my head. I know my mom came in at some point. I apparently sent Brian out to bring me tissues (the good kind with the lotion).

All I remember for certain is the pain and the thirst and the panic.

My contractions kept coming: stronger and closer together. I cried because this wasn't supposed to be happening.

I was told a vaginal birth would be impossible. Any ghost of my birth plan went flying out the door.

11:10 AM

They stopped the magnesium. My labor wasn't stopping. My doctor came in and measured to see how much I was dilated.

I was over 5 cm.

She said she could feel my baby.

Everything started happening so fast. They had to perform a c-section right away.

I started bawling. Brian was still out getting me tissues. I cried to my mom about how I wasn't ready. They walked me to a stretcher. I cried and cried. My mom cried. I wasn't ready. I was in pain and scared for my boys and, I'm ashamed to admit, for myself.

I remember nearly falling off the operating table when the nurse sat me up for my epidural. The anesthesiologist asked if I trusted him. I said no. I  made some weird comparison about the nurse and the nerdy guy at a party. I remember that I kept saying it over and over again. The drugs prevented any original thought from coming into my mind, and the epidural made the words flow from my mouth. I prattled on and on about stupid things that made no sense.

I remember my doctor telling me to tell her when she got to a place that I could feel things again. I was terrified of being cut open, but I could feel no pain. I felt every move she made, but it felt like tugging. No pain. Just movement.

I don't remember when Brian finally made it into the room, but he did.

I never got to see Bennett. Beau was wheeled by me and the nurse paused long enough for me to look at him. Our eyes locked for just a second. I wasn't able to even reach for him. I remember Brian leaving with the boys.

I was left alone with just one nurse. No babies. No husband. No parents. Just me.

I wasn't really there enough in my own head to care at this point. The night of magnesium and the epidural had made me numb and stupid.

I had to wait there until I got feeling back in my legs. It all came back very slowly.

I don't remember being taken up to the postpartum wing, but I got there. I remember a nurse explaining how to use the hospital breast pump. She gave us syringes to collect colostrum to take to the NICU. I still hadn't seen my babies.


They gave me crackers. I wanted water. They said they needed to see me keep down a cracker first.

I said I wanted water. They said I would vomit.

I ate a cracker. They gave me my water.

I vomited.

Everyone was in my room talking about how cute and sweet and okay my sons were.

Everyone met them before I did. I was devastated and jealous. I  wanted to see them. They wouldn't let me until I did x amount of things. I had to pee. I had to drink. I had to eat crackers. None of it made sense to me.

Finally, late that night, a nurses aid wheeled me down to the NICU two floors away.

I made it to where the boys were and promptly threw up.

I only got a glimpse of the tiny beings before they wheeled me away again. They were trapped behind glass and heavy with wires and tubes. My heart shattered there on the NICU floor.

They took me back upstairs.

Brian went to sleep and I laid awake crying.

I felt so empty and so alone and so much like a failure. I was a mom technically, but in my mind, not really.

Sunday, April 17, 2016
B&B 4 days old. 

The day I was discharged, I sat alone in the hospital lobby as Brian went for the car. I watched moms being wheeled out with their babies. I sat alone crying.

I sat there alone in my nursing top, yoga pants, and my empty arms and stomach. And both my sons laid upstairs fighting to breathe.

I have never in my life felt so terrible.