Indecision is my worst quality....scratch that, my temper is my worst quality. But my indecision is a rough one too. Like seriously. I am a humongous second-guesser, self-doubter, indecisive person.
So maybe my worst quality is my self doubt?
Either way, it's rough to work around!
As a new stay-at-home mom, I'm having a hard time adjusting to not having my own income to bring in. It's like really hard to want all these things that are material and non-material and feel guilty about getting them! I've just always been used to having my own money! I got my first job when I was 15 because I hated asking my parents for money!
And my husband is awesome. There are very few purchases that I have to run by him. He really is "what's mine is yours" and that is awesome. But I still hate that I'm not contributing financially. I feel like I'm just taking. Which obviously, I'm not. If I didn't stay home, the boys would have to go to daycare and we'd just have to pay that and the quality of care just can't compare to what I give them (shrug).
I've been trying to find a way to channel what skills I have into a way to make money. Crafts? Writing? Watching TV? What skills do I have? The answer is that I have no skills that are actually profitable, apparently.
I was recently approached by a woman who does EXTREMELY well in direct marketing. We all know someone who does those programs. Well, I've always been a huge skeptic of them and I've never really thought of pursuing those. But this woman is EXTREMELY good at her job and she totally roped me in, so here I am, the indecisive little skeptic, waiting on my starter kit to arrive and I'm still just like, wtf man? What just happened to me?
I've already called to try and cancel, but it apparently "just shipped." Right.
Maybe a form of divine intervention telling me to go for it? Or maybe just another sneaky way for this company to keep me attached?
I'm likely going to be sending the kit right back for a small loss of money and small piece of my dignity. I was all "inhale confidence, and exhale doubt" last night and I announced it on Facebook like I wasn't mildly ashamed, but now here I am being true to myself and crawling back into the introverted, judgmental hole from whence I came.
Honestly, I would kill to be able to do what this woman does. She reaches out to people and is so confidently herself. She's a master networker and she has turned it into a super lucrative way of life for herself and her family. What wouldn't I do to have that kind of dynamic personality! But I don't. I am who I am, and maybe there's confidence in admitting that? Or maybe I'm just a little coward.
It's not that I don't think that these direct marketing businesses can't work...I just don't think they can work for me. I just don't feel that I have the confidence that it takes to put myself out there for products that I'm not 100% sure I can get behind. I don't know how I feel about asking my friends and family to buy these things! It's not something to be ashamed of, but it's so wildly out of my comfort zone. I mean, I was even bad at selling candles for school fundraisers back in grade school.
And while I'm sitting here writing this, I keep seeing all of these inspirational messages, and I'm like inspired, but also shamed (?). Like, gosh, why don't I have what it takes?! Should I have what it takes? Will I ever have what it takes to make myself into something? Am I just lazy and using shyness for an excuse? Now I'm listening to a video of a woman telling me that the secret to success is doing things that other people don't want to do and she's literally talking about people backpedaling on their decision to not take the risk to do this company! So now where does that leave me? God, is that you speaking? Or do I just need to get offline? (It's nap time, and I should be working out or doing laundry, but here I am.)
Basically I'm just sitting here wrangling with my issues. I don't want to disappoint this awesome and dynamic woman. I want to impress her and I want what she has, but gosh where are the little businesses for the nice, introverted women like me? The kind who want to quietly shine and succeed and help their families? They don't exist.
Is it just enough for me to be a mom right now? Can I just come to terms with who I am and what I have and be happy with that?
I don't think it's that I'm a loser person, maybe this just isn't my game.
Or maybe I should let go of being cozy and get out of my comfort zone?
Agh.
Now I'm just sitting here feeling like a major sucker.
Or like this lady in the inspirational video I'm playing is telling me, I'm a cubic zirconia who wishes she was a diamond. She is saying I need to get determined and be willing to be turned down A LOT.
Even the thought makes my skin crawl and sweat.
The fact is that these organizations aren't really for everyone. They aren't. They aren't supposed to be. I'm just not sure that these are for me. I'm not sure that I'm emotionally prepared to jump out there like this. I guess we'll see what I do when my kit arrives. In the meantime, I'm going to go back to losing myself in an episode of The Good Wife on Prime while I fold all our laundry.
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